the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
