Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
