Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
