good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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