Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
