Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
