The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
