Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
