Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
