The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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