just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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