There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
