I smell stomach acid.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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