If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
