Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
