I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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