as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
