I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
How does it feel to date your dad?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
