how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
