Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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