My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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