yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Houston, we have a blender
Watching her eat just hurts me
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
