How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
