I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
