If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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