Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
