So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
