I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize