If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
