Banned from zoo.
Again?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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