twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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