i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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