he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
