take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
