used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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