I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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