normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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