life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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