I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
