I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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