I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
