i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
