I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
