u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
