how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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