I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
