im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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