I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I'm passing your future prison.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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