just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
