I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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