Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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