i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
