well I can't set my house on fire every night
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
