No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
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Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
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Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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