i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
