Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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