Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
