There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
