I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
